- Zelda Eternity
The article you are about to read is rated PG-13, for sexual content, alcohol use, explicit innuendos, and other things that generally shouldn’t be in rated E games like Zelda. To those folks sensitive to such things, I must warn you, this article is loaded with them.
This article is a collaborative effort between SpaghettiWeegee and Skalla, including a brief foreword by the8bitMoon, of the ZE forums.
Nintendo seems like your average, everyday, family-friendly mega gaming company, right? With all of their kid-friendly, parent-approved games, there’s no way they would try to get anything that might be considered controversial into their games, right? I mean, with their big franchises being Mario, Zelda, Pokemon, and Kirby, there’s no room for anything that could be “harmful” to the children, right? Wrong. Nintendo has a tendancy to slip little things into their games. Things that might be considered… well… controversial. Yes, Nintendo likes to “Slip Crap Past the Radar”. This article is a comprehensive list of the top ten examples found in a Zelda game.
10. Great Fairies
Ah, partial nudity. Here lies the line between artistic choice and horndog fodder. It’s not quite certain whether the kind folks at Nintendo were inspired by the beauty of nature and wished to glorify the beauty of the feminine form or whether they wanted an excuse to create a shamelessly unclothed young lady for the young male fans to gawk at. Arguably, they failed in both objectives. The Great Fairies is hardly the signature of feminine beauty and grace, and their attitude, as well as their quite suggestive dress, is not exactly what you’d call “classy femme.” The Great Fairies of ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask wear vines and flowers as their only attire, and they are certainly not afraid to flaunt their femininity.
“There is a fine line between ‘beautiful, assertive feminine character’ and ‘glorified drag queen.’ Nintendo’s lovely character designers bounded far past the realm of female beauty and landed in the zone of horrifying transvestism. The result of this misthrow? Terrifying, disturbing, dream-stealing ‘women,’ sharp with polygons and ripe with horror. But let me go a bit further. The Great Fairies of Ocarina of Time reside in the most pristine, most sacred fountains in all of Hyrule. Would you not expect them to be pure, demure, and naturally beautiful? Instead, what do we as fans receive? Four obscene laughs and four faces caked with enough makeup to keep
a drag show in business for a full year. Hardly natural beauty.”
“I, being the card-carrying pervert I am, do not typically object to female nudity, however, I understand where the ‘line’ must be drawn. I understand that the Nintendo 64’s graphical abilities are limited, but did the animators HAVE to design Great Faries in a way that makes them look like they went to the greatest lengths possible to squeeze every attractive feature out of the female figure in favor of something capable of making even the most DESPERATE of men wretch in disgust? If you’re going to strip someone down, at least make them easier to look at. It doesn’t help that the Great Faries have a rather ‘unique’ high pitched laugh that classifies easily, in TV Tropes terms, as high-octane nightmare fuel, and the fact that throughout most of their dialogue, it sounds like they’re flirting with Link (you must remember, half of the game, Link is 10 years old). There’s a reason I avoided getting Nayru’s Love on my first playthrough of OoT, and it wasn’t because it was in an out-of-the-way location…”
9. Alcoholic Milk
Now, there are PLENTY of things in Majora’s Mask that probably don’t belong in an E rated game, and here’s one of them: Alcoholic Milk. Anyone who’s paid a visit to the Milk Bar in Clock Town late at night has probably met up with Gorman, the raging alcoholic. He’s often found there, drinking himself into oblivion and causing a general ruckus until the wee hours of the morning. Oh, and by the way, that’s not liquor he’s drinking; it’s milk. Somehow, Termina’s milk has a large amount of alcoholic content in it, causing anyone who downs more than a glass or two to get utterly and completely wasted (and yet the game remains E rated). That’s awfully questionable, if I do say so myself.
“Yeah, sure, I’m ok with Gorman getting drunk. Personally, I couldn’t care less about what Gorman does. What I’M concerned about is where on EARTH this alcoholic milk came from… As far as we know, Romani Ranch is the only supplier of Milk in Termina, meaning that the cows of Romani Ranch must produce the alcoholic milk Gorman’s getting tipsy on. While there are NUMEROUS biological flaws with this theory, you’ve gotta admit, it’d produce a pretty awesome slogan: “Alcoholic milk comes from alcoholic cows. Alcoholic cows come from Romani Ranch”.”
“Milk bars aren’t exactly an uncommon occurrence in video games and anime. The big difference that comes into play here is the fact that this milk has a certain signature buzz to it. My theory is not so much that the cows themselves are raging alcoholics (for fear of animal abuse claims). Consider this scenario for a second… Mr. Barten felt business in his Milk Bar slowing down. Falling into a deep depression, the downtrodden bartender took too quick a swig of his questionably-filled flask. In a moment of accidental epiphany, the flask emptied its alcoholic contents into a jar of Romani Milk. Desperate, Mr. Barten took a tentative sip of the now alcoholic milk. With a face that read “Jackpot!”, he decided to market the new ‘recipe’ to the public. As you might think, the Milk Bar saw a jump in business and popularity. It just goes to show that alcohol is always the answer! (Disclaimer: Don’t drink, kids.)”
8. Nabooru’s “Reward”
This entry to our list is based entirely on what we think is an incredibly obvious (though probably accidental) innuendo. If you enter the Spirit Temple as a child and speak to Nabooru (as part of OoT’s main quest), she’ll ask you to explore the temple for her, and if you bring her back the thing she’s looking for, she’ll “give you something special”. Now, while this wouldn’t cause any suspicions at the time she says it, in the future, when you’re an adult, she says “If I’d known you would have grown up to look this good, I would have kept my promise.” If that didn’t cause a big “waitaminute” from you, I don’t know WHAT will.
“Nabooru always struck me as a bit of a loose woman, however, she never really looked all that much like a pedophile, at least, until I read this quote. I really HOPE this whole thing was all an accident, as if it isn’t, it means that not only did Nintendo make a reference to sex, but to pedophilia as well. Sure, I understand Nabooru would probably get very lonely, being stuck at that temple for so long, but hitting on a 10 year old? That’s wrong on quite a few levels. I mean, there are plenty of 14 year olds out there that would be MUCH happier if she hit on them instead…”
“It’s no secret that the Hero of Time is quite popular with the ladies. And for good reason – that sharp, carrot nose is absolutely irresistible. However, Nabooru’s promise to Link takes a step a bit into far into the realm of uncomfortable. (Much like that creepy uncle who insists on giving you the eyebrows at every family reunion.) We estimate Nabooru’s age to be well above the eighteen-year mark, judging by her, *ahem*, figure. She makes her innocuous-sounding promise when Link is well below the eighteen-year mark. Given that Gossip Stone that reads, ‘They say that Gerudos sometimes come to Hyrule Castle Town to look for boyfriends,’ everything seems to fall into place. Young Link is just the object of a Gerudo cougar’s Hylian fantasy. This proves that the laws in Hyrule are a bit too lax when it comes to age of consent and child molestation.”
7. Rock Humper
If you’re familiar with Ocarina of Time’s ‘Kokiri Forest’ (or adamwestslapdog’s abridged series), you probably know all about this one. There’s a particular Kokiri who’s trying to move a rock out in front of Mido(another Kokiri)’s house. However, the particular animation Nintendo decided to use for this event looks rather… Suggestive. By that, I mean it looks like the Kokiri is humping the rock he’s trying to lift up… How Nintendo missed this one when the game was in production is beyond me.
“I’m not going to judge this Kokiri, here, I mean, to each their own, right? However, I WILL judge Nintendo. What were you thinking, animators? I’d think that, with you being pervy Japanese people and all, you’d have noticed this!… Then again, maybe the reason they refused to fix it was because… They animated it that way on purpose… What kind of perverted animators does Nintendo EMPLOY, anyway? Whoever they are, they have my respect for getting THIS whopper past the radar.”
“Not everyone in Hyrule is as big a stud as the Hero of Time. And when needs aren’t met, the young fellows of the Kokiri Forest have to take drastic measures. The poor Rock Humper is a perfect example of this growing phenomenon. Let’s delve further into the poor desperate fool’s situation: he’s got an entire harem of rock women to bend to his will (that is, until Link picks them all up to find the rupees hidden within. Let’s play ‘Find the Hidden Prostitution Analogy.’), and he insists on fulfilling his fantasies in public. What does this tell us? Not only does the poor fellow have to satisfy his biological needs, he also has to please his two raunchy fetishes. So, as the sympathetic (and possibly empathetic in this case) fan I know you are, please do not laugh at the Rock Humper. Feel his pain, and maybe drop him a call.”
6. Poe Trader
There’s nothing quite like receiving suggestive compliments from reclusive hermits to give you that warm, fuzzy feeling (or chill down your spine if you’re not fond of molestation). In Ocarina of Time, the future presents us with a dark figure who offers Link a deal – retrieve the Big Poe souls and you’ll be given a reward. Starting off this disturbed conversation on a fitting foot, the Poe Trader compliments Link’s commendable bravery and stunning appearance, and later utters the infamous line, “If I looked as good as you, I could run a different kind of business… heh he heh…” Perhaps Link should think twice before helping this guy with a favor, if you catch my drift.
“Interestingly enough, the guard who maintained this post in the past had an interest in ghosts. As it turns out, he developed new, more lustful interests over Link’s seven year sabbatical. Life’s tough out there in a world governed by a powerful force of evil, but is selling yourself really the answer? Our sources say yes – imagine how much men and women would pay to have a night alone with the hero of Hyrule. After all, Link has to pay for potions, heart pieces, lost shields, lost tunics (Perhaps the Like-Likes would like to spend a night with Link, too… heh he heh…). It’s a lot for an unemployed volunteer hero. If Link did decide to throw in the towel and open such a service, I can think of at least five potential customers right off the bat who have been waiting for a piece of our hero since they first laid eyes on him. And yes, if you’re wondering, I did include the Poe Trader himself in that count.”
“And you thought hentai was created by sexually repressed Japanese men. Not so, as a matter of fact, all of the Zelda porn you can find on the internet (and yes, unfortunately, you can find lots) comes from THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. Well, him, and teenagers on Deviantart, but I digress. I’d like to say that we’re reading too far into this, but think about that line for a second. Is there any OTHER way it could be interpreted? The Poe Trader wanting to be a Male Model? That’s not exactly something you chuckle darkly about… Besides, name the last time you saw a Hylian catwalk… Then again, the same argument could be made for a Hylian porno magazine, but… The quote still stands.”
5. Cremia’s “Hug”
Romani Ranch, Clock Town’s main supplier of milk products, is often subject to cutthroats and thieves when transporting its goods to Termina’s central city. Considering how the goods are transported by a solitary traveler in a covered wagon, it’s not surprising why. Our hero, Link, one day decided to help out Cremia, the ranch owner, with the milk delivery, by riding in the back of the covered wagon and defending it from the generally unscrupulous fellows who’d want to steal from it. Upon making a successful delivery, Cremia decides to thank Link in a way that some would call… suggestive (and that’s putting it lightly). Yes, she shoves her breasts straight into Link’s 10 year old face. “You could get used to this”? Darn right, I could…
“I must say, when I first saw this cutscene, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was looking at. I thought to myself “was this a result of Nintendo programming a half-baked hug animation?”, but then I thought, “it couldn’t be, Nintendo doesn’t do things halfway; at least, not with one of their most popular properties”. This led to a dramatic chain of thoughts that eventually led me to believe that Nintendo had done this on purpose. Yes, looking at the sheer amount of hentai coming out of Japan daily, this probably shouldn’t surprise us, but come ON. Sure, I like having cleavage shoved in my face as much as the next guy, but putting this into an E rated game? I can’t believe it really happened… “They may be after my cargo of milk bottles” indeed….”
“Perhaps ‘hug’ doesn’t begin to cover what occurred between our young hero and Cremia. Link skidded right past first base and landed himself firmly on second plate, with an older woman no less. Considering how much of a stud the Hero of Time was back in Hyrule, this doesn’t catch me by surprise at all. However, it makes me wonder what the rest of Cremia’s reward system entails. This speculation is supplemented by this lovely quote from Cremia herself, ‘You should come back when you’re older!’ But the innuendo doesn’t stop there. (And I haven’t even touched upon the whole ‘milk’ metaphor.) I’ll leave you with an interesting quote from Cremia when Link fails to protect the milk delivery: ‘Thanks for trying tonight…'”
4. “I’d probably tap that”
The Nintendo DS’s touch screen capabilities opened an extraordinary amount of doors to accidental innuendo. Luckily for us, the writers of our beloved Zelda series are either blissfully ignorant or highly depraved. Spirit Tracks, the second Zelda title for the Nintendo DS, capitalized on this goldmine of implications like a champ. With gems from Princess Zelda like “Link! Tap meeee!” and “Tap me if you want to get back on the train,” it’s a wonder our heroic duo got anything done.
“Those quotes are nothing less than pure fodder for the ZeLink movement. Think about it for a minute. Link and Zelda are traveling on a train through the most rural areas of New Hyrule, alone for the majority of the trip. Things will go down, if you’re following my train of thought. Take into account the fact that Zelda has no corporeal figure, and things get strange and mind-boggling quickly. It’s not like phantom fetishes are out of place in the world of Zelda (Must I remind you of the Poe Trader?), but consider one last thing. Chancellor Cole and Byrne remove Zelda’s spirit from her body near the beginning of Spirit Tracks. Cole and Byrne have Zelda’s body to themselves, and Zelda’s spirit is hanging around with Link with strong tones of ZeLink. I ask you, readers: does this count as a disturbed web of a foursome?”
“While I think of this entry a certain VG Cats quote comes to mind. She’s like 10, you twisted person! That’s fricking mind raping (and let’s hope to god ONLY mind)! However, can I please debunk this beyond warped theory with some real-world logic of my own right now? Link, as he appears in Spirit Tracks, has a high-pitched child’s voice. If my understanding of biology is correct, this would insinuate that he wouldn’t have the… Erm, ‘desire’ to do the suggested ‘tapping’ of Zelda. That, and the fact that Zelda, in her spirit form, is impossible to touch. As for what Cole and Byrne are doing with Zelda’s body, well… Let’s just hope that Lokomos and Imps aren’t attracted to Hylian women… For my sanity and yours. Of course, Zelda’s body was intended to become a vessel for Malladus, so you’d ASSUME that… Doing that would be somewhat disrespectful.”
Face it. The first time you encountered a Re-Dead in your Zelda-playing career, you had one of two reactions: startled surprise or paralyzing violation. And rightfully so. The Re-Dead does not waste any time with pesky foreplay or consension. This monster has a job to do and darn it if it isn’t going to cut right to the chase. Re-Deads latch onto our poor child hero and suck the innocence – I mean, life right out of him, with simply delectable sound effects. As if that ear-shattering, pants-wetting shriek wasn’t enough to force Link into therapy, the Re-Dead is not done quite yet. In Nintendo’s version of double date rape (so intense!), this beast can attack Link again just seconds after he shakes it off. Perhaps to Re-Deads, “no” does mean yes.
“Redeads hide in dark, dismal, low-population areas hoping to get some action with little boys who have the misfortune of crossing their path. Remind you of anything? All they need is a black, window-less van and white spraypaint, and they’re set for a ten-year prison sentence. Unlike other human beings with a sense of self-preservation, Link travels to these areas without fear and with naivete. You’d think by the fifth time he got jumped by a half-decayed, groping zombie, he would learn to stay away from tombs and public squares. I suppose this is just what separates the heroes from the sane.”
“To quote Zelda Abridger, adamwestslapdog, “He didn’t have a penis, so technically, he didn’t stick anything anywhere, but it was the fact that he was trying that frightened me.” I couldn’t agree with this sentiment more. Thanks to the anime-anatomy Nintendo granted Re-Deads, any implied forms of ‘rape’ by the way they attack you are nullified, being reduced to simple violent molestation. However, the fact that Re-Deads TRY, despite them lacking any form of sexual organ, is disturbing in its own right. It’s as if the instinct is so deeply engraved in the consciousness of these beasts that they feel as if they MUST do it, even though they might be completely missing the point. Sort of funny, if you think of Re-Deads as former-humans. They spend their entire lives looking for sex, why should they stop after dying?”
2. Agitha’s Bug Fetish
Let it be known that in the Zelda universe, no age is too young to be emotionally disturbed. At the tender age of 10, Agitha lives by herself in her home in Hyrule Castle Town. That alone could be a cause for concern, but true to form, Nintendo takes it up a step into uncomfortable territory. You see, Agitha is a special kind of little girl. She asks Link to collect the rarest bugs in all of Hyrule to invite them to the insect ball. Innocent and even cute, right? Wrong. Agitha may be young, but the words that come out of her mouth when she speaks of her bug friends… well, let’s just say they bring new meaning to the phrase “creepy-crawly.”
“Let me introduce three quotes to bring this to a new level: ‘Li’l stag beetle, li’l stag beetle, your spiky pinchers are so sharp! They must feel so good…’ and ‘Li’l snail, li’l snail, just once I’d like to take a bath in that slime.’ and, lastly, ‘Li’l dragonfly, li’l dragonfly, when you look at me with those great big eyes, I…’ All three of these speak for themselves. Nintendo’s character designers and writers outdo themselves once again. In fact, look at Agitha’s design once again and take notice of her umbrella. Notice anything out of the ordinary? That’s right, a ring of spikes adorn the bottom pole. This only serves to bring her disturbed character together.”
“Somehow, after thinking about this for far too long, I start to regret bringing Agitha all of those bugs… I mean, what does she plan on DOING with them? Sure, she mentions about bringing them to a ‘ball’, but… Hmmm… A ball…
1. Prostitutes in Zelda II
Yes, the dramatic #1 spot goes to one of the most heinous suggestions in the Zelda series: in Zelda II, Link’s health is apparently restored by prostitutes. Sure, no explicit scenes are shown, but the fact that the women who restore Link’s health are practitioners in the sex-trade is gratuitously hinted at, especially with some of the dialogue the women say before inviting you into their ‘houses’. The massive lapse in radar-usage to get THIS into a Nintendo game lands it in our #1 spot.
“It was inevitable that we included this on the list somewhere, but we actually spent some time deciding whether or not it deserved our number 1 spot. After thinking it over, however, it felt wrong NOT to place it here, as it is probably the best example of Nintendo suggesting something that REALLY shouldn’t be in a kid’s game. Grand Theft Auto ain’t got NOTHING on this. Ironic that they heal you, though, because typically, using prostitutes would be hazardous to your health… They’re not exactly ‘clean’, if you catch my meaning. The scary thing about the whole prostitution question, however, is the fact that the old women who restore Link’s magic energy also invite Link into their houses… For presumably the same purpose. That ups this from eyebrow-raising to just plain creepy. I wonder how Princess Zelda feels about all this… ”
“Even a hero needs a little relaxation and release every so often. And when the hearts are running low and hopes are running dry, a hero also needs a little *ahem* release. There seems to be a theme among Zelda games: the girls of Hyrule and Termina will throw themselves at Link, ignorant of legality and morality. It makes us wonder what happened to the moral compass of Hyrule over the years. Perhaps after evil takeover after evil takeover, the social integrity of the land grew weaker and weaker until anarchy and lawlessness reigned. With hope dwindling and morals slipping, the world fell into a state of despair and apathy. Murder became commonplace, base lust became expected, and the virtues of the past became scorned. Or, maybe, the ladies of Hyrule realized just how cool it would sound to say, ‘I was alone with the Hero for a night.'”